not a mothering type

Once I got the worries out of my mind, it finally happened.

I got my period today.

Only a week and half late, but everything's all screwed up I'm not surprised.

Starting in November, I started bleeding and spotting constantly. I get this problem with every type of birth control I use. And my previous NP for ob/gyn would say "you're tolerant, and we'll switch you to something else". And the switching will fix the problem.

I'm still looking for a new ob/gyn. So when the spotting started, I just dealt with it. But I have this nagging paranoia that the dose isn't enough for me to not get pregnant.

Since Thanksgiving, boyfriend and I have been joined at the hip. So we were enjoying each others company a lot (especially at night).

So when the new year came around, I was hoping my monthly visitor would arrive.

It didn't.

The last time I got a scare, I didn't have a period for three months. So I thought for sure that I was pregnant. When I finally got my confirmation that I wasn't, I finally got the visitor.

So yes, stress can affect me that way.

I finally got around to just resigning myself to the fact that if by mid February I was still missing my monthly visitor, I'd go to Planned Parenthood or something and get tested.

And as soon as I stopped worrying about it, it happened.

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So why do I freak out so much about being pregnant? I don't want to be pregnant. I never wanted to be pregnant. It may sound horrible, but it's true. I hope that when I find a new ob/gyn, they'll just do a tubal ligation so I don't have to worry about it. As my mom says "Some of us just aren't the mothering type."

best of the worst

So my parents saw the GI doctor this afternoon and had a nice long sit down with him about the results from the endoscope showing the tumor.

The following CT showed a mass on the outside of the esophageous that is close to his aorta. Since the endoscope couldn't reach it, the doctor couldn't say for sure, but he admitted this was more than likely cancer as well. But there weren't tumors in other organs that it could detect.

So the cancer has spread. The PET scan next Thursday will show for sure if it has spread to lymph nodes or organs in small amounts the CT couldn't show.

The GI doc wants to do an ultrasound probe to determine the mass for sure. But he can't do that, and recommended someone that hopefully the insurance will cover.

The histology showed the mass inside the esophageous was an adenocarcinoma.

Next Thursday is the first oncologist appointment. Chemo and radiation for sure. We'll go from there. There's a chance that the combination will get rid of the tumor.

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My dad is taking it in with a sense of humor. He asked to me to see if I can find a wig at the dollar store for when he loses his hair.

My mom can talk about it without getting too upset. I think the slightly optimistic outlook helps. It's funny how she's giving into all his requests. She actually asked me to run out of the way to get his dumplings (dad called off the dumpling run). So far, it's been pizza, burgers, and dogs (all things we normally don't eat).

I guess I'm still in shock. My dad has always been the rock of health that we grew up with.