This weekend I was driving in Scottsdale and I passed the cemetary where my dad's parents are buried. I was very close to my grandmother, yet I did not attend her funeral. When my grandfather died years before, I was the one she clung to when she had a few lucid moments where she comprehended the fact that he was dead. I don't visit often, yet it's never difficult for me to find their place when I do go.
Logically speaking, it's only a place where their lifeless bodies are slowly decomposing to dust. Visiting their grave isn't a way to speak to them, or get guidance from them because what was them is long gone. So in reality, their grave and headstone is more for the living. Yet, any time I've ever gone, I don't see anyone else there.
So I guess that's what started this emotional episode from me. I dueled with the cold hard truth that visiting their grave wouldn't be anymore fullfilling than just remembering them. In the end, I was too busy with pre-party errands to stop.
Then last night after a late lunch/early dinner, and three shots of vodka later, I was exhausted and talking to my boyfriend. I don't know how exactly it came up, but we talked the night before about taking small slow steps in our developing relationship. Anyway, I was bawling my eyes out, trying not to type anything stupid that I'd regret later. The one thing that stung the most was when he brought up the "all the experiences I've been through with relationships, I am not interesting in settling down with someone". To me, it was the patronizing older and wiser tone that I despise.
So I said that before I say something stupid that I really don't mean, I'm going to say goodnight. If I don't bring it up in IM conversations we'll have before we see each other on Wednesday, I'll have to tell him that they way he was telling me what he did seem patronizing to me.
I try and remember that we do enjoy just being with one another. We enjoy each other's company, talking to one another, and even just holding hands, or feeling his arm around my back as we go for a walk. The distance thing is going to make any further committment difficult, and I KNEW that going into this relationship (at the time, I used that as my buffer or shield to ease back into the dating world).
But I slept like crap, and feel physically and emotionally drained. I'm hoping that this long weekend will help recharge both.