Giving up

Tonight's not a good night. My cold is better, but it was still a long day of slogging it out until 5:00 came and I went "thank goodness I made it through the day."

Got home, and mom was shelling shrimp. Yeah! It's shrimp stiry fry tonight.

Today was going to be my dad's last day of radiation. He finished his first round of chemo Friday, but missed one radiation session because he had a feeing tube put in. So I asked my mom how dad was doing.

"Not great."

I found a great get well card with a Magnum-looking cat on it, signed it from the kitties, and left it someplace for my dad to find. He loved it.

We did stir fry, I made sweet and sour sauce that turned out very good (even using Splenda as a sugar substitute). My mom asked me to clean up since she wasn't feeling great. Wasn't sure if she was coming down with my cold, or just the busy trip was finally catching up to her.

So I cleaned up, and walked the dog. While on the phone, my favorite aunt said something about dad not going today. She asked if I could call grandmother since she was upset.

"This is the first I've heard of this. I thought he went."

So after bringing the dog in, I confronted my dad. Sure enough, he didn't go. And he didn't say when he was going to go. And still hasn't scheduled his tests to monitor his progress after treatment.

I won't even dwell on how much like an idiot I was for not knowing this fact.

But I am worried about my dad. Yes, going through the chemo and radiation wasn't fun. And he's been feeling worse, not better. I remember what it feels like to go through these agonizing treatments (not on the same scale), and knowing that it isn't going to help is defeating.

I feel as if my dad is giving up.

I don't know what to do to help him see through one more radiation session. I know that there isn't a lot others can do, and it's more your attitude. I asked boyfriend to send a card of some kind since dad likes him a lot. Boyfriend wishes he could be here to talk to my dad about things.

Me too. Dad never talked to me about things. Never anything about his days in Manilla during his air force stint in 1965. Never anything about love and life.

Now I know why my mom is so sick. If there wasn't a cold or flu, the worry will do that to you.