A Mother's Love

Growing up, my mother didn’t have it easy. Neither did CK. They met in high school, and their shared experience of life’s hardships cemented their friendship to be life long friends.

My Mom got lucky. She married out of high school to a wonderful guy whom I call my father. CK got married out of high school as well, and loved her guy too, but it wasn’t the easiest of marriages.

11 months after my Mom got married, I was born. CK wanted children too, and tried for years to get pregnant. Almost three years later, my sister was born, and CK still had not gotten pregnant.

CK loved us very much. She was a part of our family, and we called her “Aunt”. CK watched us grow up, and still she longed for a child of her own.

When I was 14, she finally got pregnant. Needless to say, her age presented a problem. She refused an amino – she would love this child, no matter what.

Nine months later, she gave birth to a daughter. It was immediately obvious that there was something wrong. She was born with Down’s syndrome. CK didn’t care, she had a daughter, and she loved her daughter (I’ll call her Cate).

The doctors recommended she try and have another child. While this may sound crazy at first, the logic was even sadder. The odds were not that high that she would have another child with Down’s syndrome. When CK got too old to take care of Kate, the second child could take care of Cate so Cate didn’t end up in a home. She agreed, and her second daughter was born a year later (I’ll call her Kelly).

Kelly was born completely healthy, and is growing up to be a smart young woman. She likes science, and knows that she will be Cate’s caretaker someday.

Raising Cate has been very difficult. By the time she was eight, she was in a wheelchair because she wasn’t able to walk anymore. She has a limited vocabulary, and with her enlarged tongue, most people do not understand her. I understand the way she says “Mommie”, but I don’t understand much else. CK, however, does.

The family moved into a typical Midwest home (living room and kitchen on the ground floor, bathrooms and bedrooms upstairs and downstairs. CK carried her daughter to her bedroom at night. In the morning, she carried Cate from her bedroom to the bathroom, then down to her wheelchair. Finally, her knees gave out around March 2005. So the living room was converted to Cate’s bedroom, complete with lifting wench and hospital bed.

Cate underwent surgery in June 2005 to correct a spinal defect in her neck. It was hoped that she might be able to walk better once this was corrected. Cate didn’t understand what was happening to her. She pulled the stitches out of the back of her neck, which got infected. CK had to watch her almost around the clock to let the surgical site heal, and never complained.

Then sometime around the fall of 2005, Cate developed sleep apnea. Her obese weight and enlarged tongue was causing her not to breathe at night. CK again slept by Cate’s bedside barely sleeping in case the apnea alarm would go off. My Mom (and others) quietly hoped that CK would wake up one morning to find that Cate had passed on in her sleep.

This weekend, my Mom called to say that Cate was hospitalized for pneumonia. The first thing out of my mouth was “is CK agreeing to drastic life saving measures?” My Mom said that CK refused intubation because Cate’s voice is the last thing she has left, and CK doesn’t want to lose that.

It was that explanation that compelled me to write this. I don’t understand the drive to procreate. I sort of understand how strong the love of a parent is for a child from my parents. But it was that simple statement that made me think a lot.

CK has a daughter. Cate will never work. Cate will never stop needing therapy or visits to specialists. Cate will never live in her own place. Cate will never read back anything to her mother. With as much as Cate CAN do by herself, most people would have placed her in a nursing home situation. That is not an option for CK because she loved Cate completely and unconditionally.

Somehow, she also still manages to be a part of Kelly’s life. She always gives me the latest on what’s going on in her life (dating now). She and I both hope that Kelly will go to college, and have a life. I know it won’t be easy for Kelly. What Kelly chooses to do for Cate after her parents are gone is still before her.

The energy that her daughters take and CK willingly gives impresses me. I know that CK isn’t in the best of health, but she will do whatever it takes to make sure Cate is comfortable and taken care of, and Kelly isn’t left out of the picture either.

CK has shown me the power of a mother's love. I feel I do not have such a reserve in me. Thus, I will be a part of their lives (Cate's and Kelly's), and love them as a part of my family. But I feel I would be inadequate as a mother. I respect the power of a mother's love, and know when it's something beyond my capabilities.